journal

08h12

i heard about assertiveness for the first time in a nvc course some years ago. then i did another course and got deeper into it. yesterday i did a test and it showed what i already knew: my assertiveness is very low. so what to do? read a book about it. just started the assertiveness workbook, by randy j. peterson.

[why do i feel quasi-ashamed to write it here? because it might fit the “self-help” section of books? oh, my prejudices. in any case, isn’t all books self-help? all philosophy and literature included. two of the prejudices, at least mine, is truly against digested thoughts and the motivation of the work — when we can see we think we know the creator’s motivation is money or recognition.]

back to the book. it seems really helpful to understand about the possibilities that an assertive communication can bring. in this perspective, what are the other options? passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. i would rather learn a better, most respectful way to myself and others than to let my ignorance and automatism prevail.

i never officially did, but it seems that writing is starting to be a kind of therapy. anyways, i will start as soon i go back home.

night: while mother and i were watching the movie mr jones, we’ve heard dana screaming. she was excited because it was snowing. the first snow of the year gives us so much pleasure and hapiness.

• dare to lead e01 – the heart of daring leadership – brené brown – 2020 – com mãe no carro! primeiro podcast dela!
• mr. jones (1993) – com mãe

07h55

o que eu sei // o que eu sinto
what do i know // what do i feel
what do i know // how do i feel

socrates dialogue about bed (painting and reality 6.3, etienne gilson)

finally the sky is clear and i can see the sunrise. delight.

16h54

bike ride this afternoon. went to the library for the first time here in yreka. had some interesting books, not too many in the art section. it had a huge catalogue of ben shahn, american artist that i’ve wanted to know more… also i did some drawing based on prints from a siskiyou county’s history book. most of the info was around the 1850~90’s. lots of portuguese and even brazilian heritage in this region. who would’ve known?!

also went to the new cafe+book shop here in town. coudn’t resist and bought a book: octavio paz’s the other voice. essays about modern poetry. to deal with my problem with books — problem because it is an addiction — i will start writing about the books i’m buying. hopefully it will get things a bit more controlled. if i had the money, i would buy with no hard feeling. but i haven’t, so i shouldn’t.

it feels good to do exercise. it’s getting colder and colder…

noite: mãe apareceu aqui de surpresa. fizemos uma ligação com amanda. foi das melhores ligações da vida. falamos sobre amor, conexões, histórias e planejamentos.

• Lecture 0 – Concepts and Problems in Visual Arts – James Elkins – 2021

23h25

again, i sit to write only when i am completely exhausted. i’ve been working a lot, drawings and to celebrate, even paintings.

i have a reasons to celebrate.

11.11.2022

• how long does it take to look at a painting? — james elkins — 2010
• fernando pessoa – adverse genres — prof. david jackson — 2009

16h27

went to mount shasta this morning. it has been foggy for a few days, but i took the chance to go up the mountain. i got lucky and sometimes the sky got clear. because of the cold, i did some drawings inside the car. it was pleasurable.

yesterday i spoke with grandma and finally she named the chicken that was hers to name it: ladybug (joaninha!) such a perfect name!

• irritabilidade – dr. diego tavares – entrementes – 2020
• jordan peterson – tim feriss podcast – 2021
• devendra banhart – duncan trussel family hour – 2021

07h16 read camus’ essay create dangerously. short but powerful read.

• “Then, every once in a while, a new world appears, different from the everyday world and yet the same, particular but universal, full of innocent insecurity—called forth for a few hours by the power and longing of genius”
• “This is why the artist, at the end of his slow advance, absolves instead of condemning. Instead of being a judge, he is a justifier”
• “The free artist is the one who, with great effort, creates his own order”

yesterday i got some books in the mail. the most incredible is manoel de barros’s compilation in english. i am amazed! just to see that someone tried what seemed an impossible task — to translate manoel! him and fernando pessoa, with all my limitations, makes me love the portuguese language.

• luc tuymans & wilhelm sasnal in conversation

• etel adnan: on art and urgency // on lightning-strike paintings and words as gestures – sfmoma – 2018

23h34

lazy sunday. at least in the atelier. walk in park with mother. christmas lights around the house. cellphone fell while i was trying to make a photograph of a beautiful buck. i won’t look for a solution right now. i feel this as an omen: stop wasting time and go to work.

i was already in bed a while a go and couldn’t resist going to sleep without making anything today. got up and did some drawings.

i now know why i create. to exist.

05h19 i know i’m waking up really early, so i go to bed also really early. like 21h30. not completely 8 hours, but i try!

a random thought passed through my mind and i searched about how jeff bridges is doing — i knew that he is going through a healing cancer process — and today is his birthday. nice coincidence. he is getting through it, it seems he is doing healthy and fine.

#############

eu não sei, mas tô querendo saber
para depois poder dizer
agora sim
sei que não sei.

(mais que saber, desejo mesmo é a prática do fazer)

############

afternoon: kirk’s birthday. six years old!

23h14 desenhos noturnos. acabei de reencontrar textos de um blog de 2008~10. consigo ver com maior distanciamento e analisar sem tanta identificação pessoal. de início já fica claro a má qualidade, principalmente da forma da escrita. porém serviu como encontro. saio meio chocado, pasmo.

06h43 que oportunidade refletir e expressar: simplesmente estou vivo.

coleciono existência e experiências

07h45 the book won’t be — it isn’t — a problem. produce works: then organize them.

10h03 colored pencil

16h59 drawing outside. it gets so cold right after the sun goes behind the mountain (around 4pm). ink takes longer to dry…

about 5 minutes before the sun went down the mountain, a lot of birds started to sing. it felt like i was right in the middle of them all. mother got right at this moment, and before i tell anything, she said she was impressed with all that sound. i try to record it.

14h10 morning outside. went to buy a chair. went to 2nd hand store and bought some frames.

manoel de barros – o apanhador de desperdícios

Uso a palavra para compor meus silêncios.
Não gosto das palavras
fatigadas de informar.
Dou mais respeito
às que vivem de barriga no chão
tipo água pedra sapo.
Entendo bem o sotaque das águas
Dou respeito às coisas desimportantes
e aos seres desimportantes.
Prezo insetos mais que aviões.
Prezo a velocidade
das tartarugas mais que a dos mísseis.
Tenho em mim um atraso de nascença.
Eu fui aparelhado
para gostar de passarinhos.
Tenho abundância de ser feliz por isso.
Meu quintal é maior do que o mundo.
Sou um apanhador de desperdícios:
Amo os restos
como as boas moscas.
Queria que a minha voz tivesse um formato
de canto.
Porque eu não sou da informática:
eu sou da invencionática.
Só uso a palavra para compor meus silêncios.

no livro memórias inventadas – a primeira infância

22h30 it is late and i’ve worked all day. i feel happy, which makes me wonder: is this mania? or just feeling elated for doing what i love the most? does it make a difference?

i opened google now and there is a doodle of seurat. tomorrow is his birthday, what a nice surprise. tomorrow i shall draw something that its following me for quite some time. oh seurat! i have his biography, but didn’t had the chance to read it… everyone points to his pointilism, but besides it, what really draws my attention are his drawings. such texture and smooth transtitions. i have no clue how he managed to make them.

something nice during the day: i was thinking about the little book and had only shasta on the cover. it was the initial idea. then an adition came: aurora in shasta. it will be hard to come a better name than this. i relate to it in so many ways.

i am tired. i already know which poem(s) i’ll read tomorrow.

hans theys – questions about luc tuymans I
free notes:

• ±13:25 the wish to make an art which is not autobiographical
• ±19:20 i think artist have to be protected from simplyfied explanations
• ±23:21 artist claim their freedom // potential freedom // to react against what want to (personal freedom)
• ±31 awkward compositions from the 16mm films
• 35 meaning in works of art
  • no meaning to decipher
  • never ONE meaning/intention/message
• 48 truth is what works // we almost know nothing // conscious ignorance

hans theys – questions about luc tuymans II

• baudrillard
• ±05:40
  • liking to make works
  • also impression not to be seen enough
  • to augument reality
  • not noticed by theirs parents; do not exist
  • survival strategy
• ±22 his works are singular — overexposure // and because it reports about his reality without ever being explicit
  • discard the functions of the brain as creating/disliking reality
• ±37 not being able to talk about the work. to save/protect the work
• ±40
  • intuition x choices? both, they aren’t necessarily contradictions
  • everybody does [play the role of the artist]
  • adopt a role, before becoming who you are. you have to become
  • yes, tuymans is a master of his craft, and everybody fakes till she or he makes it.
  • nietzsche: become who you are.
  • you have to create your own scenography.

From the point of view of art taken precisely qua art, there is nothing to lose in considering all paintings anonymous.

Etienne Gilson in Painting and Reality

10h16 momentum

15h32 ó céus // ó terra // terra plana.

21h24
a vida não é chata // as pessoas são chatas
a vida não é chata // algumas pessoas são chatas
a vida não é chata // eu memo tô sendo

• david hockney, 1982 – interview

06h12 today is monday. with effort, i have less than a month with the possibility of total commitment. what i have to say to myself and everyone i care: do not waste time. work as much as possible — enough to look back and say it was worth it.

• liana fink “what we say vs what we think” (2021) – artist decoded podcast
• luiz fuganti – a criação de si como obra de arte
• hans hoffman – artist-teacher, teacher-artist (2002)

07h44 started reading jasper john’s writings and interviews.

night: i have found my treasure chest.

• e09: kirchner’s reclining nude (1909) // e01: cezanne’s fruit and juggle on a table — the lonely palette podcast – 2016
• david salle on the experience of art – conversations with tyler – 2021
• maggi hambling – making love with painting (2020, bbc)
  didn’t know her and her work, but what an incredible surprise. painting as an expression of life — and death. waves. art as a way of living.

07h50 i study the life (writings and interviews) of other artists to understand more about their work and methods. of course, life isn’t separate from the art and sometimes a bit of personal information brings more light to the work. i am not interested in their personal matters and secrets.

night: started reading maria carolina de jesus’ quarto de despejo.

16h56 just read: “[during mixed states] not so much about ups and downs, but fast or slow.”
timing // rhythm

night:

• Brene Brown with Jodi-Ann Burey & Ruchika Tulshyan – Dare to Lead Podcast – Imposter Syndrome (2021)

14h55 não escreveu na hora, danou-se. perdeu mesmo.

23h21 clearly i begin to see that the future can change the past.

09h21 33 —- livro

22h19 today i’ve thought about books… and “by chance”, just opened one and found the text “first and last: two books by marcel broodthaers” by benjamin h. d. buchloh.

0h21 how come i am still up?

22h26
it is late and i am tired, but i would like to register this day of celebration. anuuuuuuuuu magaluuuuuu.

manhã: após aula de yoga, peguei uma antiga bicicleta e voltei para a casa pedalando. há anos que não me delicio numa magrela! vou aproveitar enquanto não neva e pedalar pelas manhãs!

15h39

16h23
ontem minha mãe mandou um diálogo entre sadhguru e outras pessoas. fazia tempo que não dava atenção a essas “conversas espirituais” — estou imerso nas leituras de arte e cérebro/mental e nem tava sentindo falta dessa área…

limpando meu preconceito, escutei até o fim e gostei!
uma relembrança foi a fala sobre a comparação e competição — padrão que reconheço muito em mim ultimamente. na realidade, acredito que isso é um dos motivos de crise atuais. é melhor não se comparar, nem competir. na minha visão, qualquer batalha que se entra é batalha perdida. imagina com outras pessoas, principalmente algumas que nem conheço e nem quero… penso nisso em relação ao mundo das artes. os diversos mundos da arte. responsabilizo os mundos da arte, mas nunca a arte. a arte sempre foi um motivo de existência, até sagrada a considero.

+- 22h30
materializar a criação de alguma maneira que faça sentido coerente dentro de um projeto.

elefante

o que me falta:

• clareza de pensamento,
• organizar a forma,
• sentido coerente (ao menos dentro de um projeto)

Caminhar paralelos são bons, mas onde há coerência/sentido?

olhe para forma, encontre
………………………..revele a poesia

estou maníaco ou apenas querendo pintar o incrível?

07h11 plana apenas a tela // plane only the canvas

04:56 woke up early. in brazilian time is almost 10am. since i’ve read that the condition makes sleep less and less, i’ve been monitoring times for a different reason.

walking through “the old town yreka streets”
i feel the cold air from memories, wishes and dreams.
even though this city ain’t made for walking,
here i go wandering in thoughts.

also,
today i’ve listened to two different conversations with people that won’t take vaccines. the first group being new age folks, saying that a health body doesn’t need this kind of treatment. another group were with the political argument… i’ve heard from a person that what really helps are alfafa baths and shots with antiparasites. i am amazed. baffled. insterested and sometimes not hopeful about our species. what can we do? how to talk? should i try to speak anything at all?