29.xii.2021

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06h40 não é fuga, mas… tivemos mudanças no percurso…

manhã: yoga travado — dor nas costas de cortar lenha.

18h37 há alguns dias, fiz algo especial com mãe: dançamos algumas músicas e depois que acalmamos, sentamos e apenas escutamos música. ela não conhecia philip glass e foi um deleite escutar algumas (the hours suite + mad rush) inteiras, olhando a neve cair durante a noite. ela ficou extremamente animada para escutar mais… no dia seguinte, assistimos o filme as horas.

(doc) Cobra Gypsies (2015)

28.xii.2021

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manhã:

ailton krenak e viviane mosé – diálogos imprevisíveis – velocidade — instituto estação das letras (02.2021)

início da diagramação AIS.

14h24 agora que começo a pensar mais a fundo na produção da obra física, chequei as possibilidades e prazos de impressão… se eu mandar na próxima segunda, talvez há a possibilidade de chegar a tempo, antes de ir para sp. corrida contra o tempo.

19h49 algo que começo a compreender: fazer e jogar para o mundo. o que isso significa? a possibilidade de reverberar. (rever berrar)

não é para ter problema. a ideia é simples: pegar tudo que foi produzido nessa jornada e organizar num livreto. tão simples…

(essay) jaider esbell – uma história devolvida — notas sobre a antropofagia –– revista dasquestões – antropofagias futuras (2021)

(essay) beatriz azevedo e laura francis – será esse o futuro do século xxi? –– revista dasquestões – antropofagias futuras (2021)

26.xii.2021

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08h54 i celebrate the life and work of two men that passed away today:
archbishop desmond tutu — how to deal with evil? love and joy!
painter wayne thiebaud — love his work and the way he talked about painting. very passionate and humble. 101 years old, working till the last days.

(live) viviane mosé e maria homem – lupa da alma e02 – o valor da vida — café filosófico (2021)
descobrindo a força da palavra da viviane mosé! que presente!

(audio) gosto de deleuze, mas prefiro meu pai – gabi bresola
experimento artístico com leitura do próprio pai da autora, a quem ela ela tem preferência. recomendo o audio, uma ponte entre as palavras finas da academia e um sotaque e expressões sinceras.

(live) ernesto neto – plano de artista (2021)
arte é oferenda
o saber é bom, mas também criou o não-saber.

(film) the power of the dog — dir. jane campion (2021) – c/ mãe

25.12.2021

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manhã
viviane mosé – o que pode a palavra? — café filosófico (2008)

  • as potências da palavra
  • o cuidado com os mortos
  • homo sapiens – aquele que sabe, da morte
  • o pensamento — reflexão
  • pensar ao mesmo tempo que vive, saber que vive
  • pensar é limitar
  • a grande angústia
  • o incômodo — impulso para arte
  • trágico – o sofrimento não merecido
  • arte deveria ser o eixo, não apenas entretenimento
  • a contraposição ao pensamento é a arte
  • o pensamento não pode avaliar a vida, o pensamento pode injustificá-la ou diminuí-la
  • conceitos — excluir / fechar
  • metáforas — abrir / expandir

13h32 nos últimos três dias tenho acordado por volta das 5am. isto não é um bom sinal. motivo do pouco sono? sem dúvida: jantar.

21h45 sono. hoje caminhamos no parque e caixa d’água.

24.12.2021

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12h26 driving with mother to show a house. conditions are: snowing a lot, dirt road with 10 cm of snow. the alarm in the car said the back tire is way down. another alarm, gas is low. we got to the house, but there is the way back. i was driving worried, but then, i realized that all my nervous contraction wouldn’t help the situation. what can one do? if something happens, i surely will do something (have no clue where to begin, but since i don’t need it, all is well)

thinking about life. what we wait for is a permission to be and do ourselves. i wonder why is so. all the worries and the struggle. actually, the struggle is life. as soon as i really act with this knowledge, most of the demons/worries/situations evaporates. 

######

to whom i felt i had to explain myself: only to me and the beings that i’ve created.

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the world is open.

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to build our own island. a truthful one — just create reality as we want

filmes com mãe

  • bab’aziz — beleza de história, visual, possibilidades…
  • the hours (2002) quis assistir com ela, pois no dia anterior escutamos a trilha do philip glass… e é um filme essencial. dá prazer compartilhar obras que reverberam.

23h57 começar trabalhar e terminar

22.12.2021

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16h11 meau came back to say hello // meau voltou pra dar um alou

20h27 matutando aqui sobre os desejos e afins. já escutei falar sobre desejar direito… e começo a perceber que muitas vezes ou desejamos errado ou desejamos apenas na fala. e as ações?

23h29 hoje foi um dia atípico, mas a partir de hoje não há mais rotina nem imersão. os próximos serão férias com mãe. hoje finalmente as botas para neve chegaram, porém a previsão é chuva. pensando em tempo, já sinto uma leve pressão para fazer as coisas acontecerem. condição natural. me anima ver os devaneios de alice. inspirações e experiências compartilhadas transformam-se em combustível.

um livro que havia comprado há algumas semanas não foi entregue e retornaram o valor. comprei-o novamente e acabei comprando mais dois // a book i’ve bought some weeks ago didn’t arrive and they refunded it. bought it from another seller and included two more.

  • marlene dumas — sweet nothings
  • clemente — elizabeth avedon
  • marlene dumas — wet dreams

21.12.21

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07h11 um espetáculo todo nascer do sol. // a spectacle in every sunrise

  • sistemas de pensamento // systems of thought
  • a forma poética // the poetic form
  • saber escutar toma tempo // how to listen takes time
  • não deixe a oportunidade de ficar quieto passar // do not waste the beautiful opportunity to be quiet
  • fazer fotos sem cartão de memória na camera pode ser frustrante. mas também cômico // to make photographs without the card in the camera can be frutrating. but also comical
  • questão de proporção pintura X imagem X reprodução digital
  • contemplar | deleite-se

j.p. 2017 14 – introduction to traits / psychometrics / the big 5

  • establish what is better / worst
    • not the perspective of the psychoterapist
  • any structure
  • to become one thing – at one point of your life
  • gap
  • biological psychometrics
  • reliability
  • the measure of personality
  • measure is everything (in scientific research)
  • the big five
  • personality
  • traits : frames of reference
    • modes of perception
    • patterns of behavior
    • stable motivations
    • systems of values
  • subpersonalities
  • intelligence // IQ
  • introvert / extrovert
  • openness: normally artists and entrepeneurs
  • open: other people as opportunities to engage in interesting intellectual conversation // ideas // aesthetics
  • high in neutoticism
    • more likely to live in the worls as a place of threat, to be protected against, they are more anxious and prone to emotional pain
  • patterns of behavior
  • personality — relationships
  • means of measure
  • construction validation
  • protect against bias to measure it correctly

j.p. 2017 15 biology traits – the limbic system

  • personality neuroscience
  • neyropsychology of anxiety – book – jeffrey grey
  • hyppocanpus – match mismatch
  • circuits — loose groups
  • roughly motivations — set goals
  • emotions – orient towards the goal
  • motivation:
    • set goal
    • prime behavior
    • set the frame on interpretation the world / perceptual tuning
  • micropersonality
  • fovia detection
  • the gorilla videos
  • the rule for perception
  • don’t pay attention to anything that isn’t directly relevant to the desired outcome.
  • only pay attention to things that make ytou fail — or mainly
  • emotional reaction
  • prepares you for the worst
  • diagram: thing in itself
  • you can see all different things. it depends on your goals
  • detail x time
  • you have to frame the world in order to interact with it
  • the world is frame
    • not overwhelmed by chaos
  • mind boggling: all our female ancestors sucessfully lived and reproduced
  • where do you feel you are located?
    • your brain? heart? stomach — if hungry?
  • you see with your body! not only vision
  • the brain isn’t just in your head
  • the brain:
    • cerebellum
    • occipital lobe
    • parietal lobe
    • frontal lobe
    • temporal lobe
  • primitive: isn’t old and not useful. on the contrary: because it has time, it got better with time.
  • consciousness — as a process, a looping interaction (plausible)

j.p. 2017 16 biology and traits — incentive reward/threat // extraversion // neuroticism

  • emotion: positive and negative
  • extraversion — neuroticism
  • motivation sets goals
  • emotions trick progress towards goals
  • learning theory (behaviour)
  • basic motivations?
  • panic/escape
  • ref: affective neuroscience (book)

20.xii.2021

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14h50 religar

(doc)
paul klee – the silence of the angel (2005)

21h12 i didn’t work in the studio today, but coming back from the night’s conversation, i did some moon-drawing photographs.

22h29

ao invês de gravata colorida
prefiro pulseira huni kuin colorida.
simples escolha que traz sorriso e bons ares.

instead of a colorful tie
i prefer a colorful huni kuin bracelet.
simple choice that brings smile and fresh air.

19.xii.2021

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08h34 it doesn’t matter what time i go to sleep, i always get up around 6. what a gift to see the sunrise. drink coffee. read. the silence before the birds. a completely new day.

“there is a literary idea every time there is no plastic invention.”

odilon redon – to himself — in the book painting and reality

08h49 i was thinking about the lecture i’ve watched yesterday. besides being painterly delicious, i enjoy even more the work of bruno dunley because he thinks by painting. i admire and appreciate it!

“lembrete: sua fatura vence amanhã.”

(essay) octavio paz – breach and convergence (1986)

20h50 superar as referências // overcome the references

18.xii.2021

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08h47 flechada braba

10h43 se for para julgar, que seja para ver o melhor. as qualidades também (principalmente?) estão no olhar. desejo ver as boas possibilidades.

14h43 i really don’t like situations where we cannot deny our own participation….
“there will be a dinner, and this person expects that we go”

(video course)
lisa congdon – becoming a working artist 01~06
oh well. lisa has knowledge in areas that i have not, so i am learning about the contemporary (internet) side of possibilities. as with all courses, you have to get what you need/can/must and discard what doesn’t resonate in this moment.

(art lecture)

debates sobre arte contemporânea I – dudi maia rosa – usp (2016)

é um deleite quando escuto alguém e logo penso: “esse/essa aí é doid@!” — é o que sinto toda vez que escuto o dudi.

  • a gente não se basta
  • o mito de tirar “de dentro do artista”
    • na real é uma dominação
  • achou a vida ao invés de encontrar uma resposta
  • cultura — tornar um fato comum esse nosso encontro
  • eu era ignorante, então esse foi o grande trabalho

debates sobre arte contemporânea II – bruno dunley – usp (2016)

  • a obra – a coisa – a palavra
  • questionamento das certezas
  • vultos poéticos – dúvida e certeza como afirmação através da experiência
  • o começo: o que pintar – memória – infância
  • cultura da pintura: morandi, paulo pasta, sergio sister, rodrigo andrade — lentidão, tonalismo
  • lugar codificado
  • mudanças: difícil e lenta
  • lirismo
  • gesto
  • narrativa da materialidade
  • o trabalho é sempre um problema
  • não necessariamente estilo e linguagem andam juntos

(live) bebel abreu — fala miolos: design e possibilidades gráficas em zines (2021)

17.xii.2021

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09h46 time passes by

(video essay)
james ensor and the french avant-garde – “long live free, free art!” – scott allan – getty museum (2021)

about the good old quest for identity

14h47 entered the digital hoarder black hole spiral once again. while waiting for a small painting to dry (guardian of reason), i looked for a pdf: gustavo reginato – pequeno manual do empoderamento gráfico. the author has an independent publishing house in florianópolis and this little book has some suggestions about publishing. gave it a look and searched for other books in the bibliography:

searching this last author, the black hole expanded. i went to academia.edu and not only artist’s book and indie publishing, but i arrived at ethnographic photograph books… also, just found amir cadôr’s page on issuu, he has uploaded a ton of artist’s book… oh my…
… also discovered a praça, beautiful idea.
… i already had this bookmarked: https://colecaolivrodeartista.wordpress.com/ – seems amir cadôr is the responsible for the project. it makes sense…
… https://www.nieves.ch/ – oh my…

  • art & fear – david bayles & ted orland — 1993 – audiobook
    • i am not desperate, just trying to beat my prejudices. i think this kind of material, motivational, are tools and should be used whenever necessary.
  • (doc) the devil and daniel johnston (2005)
    • such an interesting character! really like his openness and courage. when the film explores the dark sides of his sickness, well… i hardly could watch it. i am glad that he made it through, in his own way.
  • bought a book: tal r’s garbage man (2021)

16.xii.2021

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07h36

insecure? so let’s work in creation, that will sooth your aflictions…
it can be heaven or hell, sometimes all at once.

08h55

let’s be criti

09h36

each work a universe.

14h14 helped dana clear the road. i love working with snow and shovel.

15h20 masterclass yo-yo ma

  • unbroken flow of energy
  • shared thought and emotion
  • awe
  • content / communication / reception
  • emotional presence
  • to deliver and to listen
  • art & science

(essay) jaider esbell – uma história devolvida — notas sobre a antropofagia –– revista dasquestões – antropofagias futuras (2021)

  • (film) la belle verte – 1996 – com mãe
  • (short film) matilde campilho – fevereiro – com mãe

good to share nice works with mother. she loved the film and the poetry.

moonlight

15.xii.2021

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13h08

today is really snowing. i estimate at least some 15cm (6in). i did an experiment. took some papers outside with some ink. it didn’t take long for the papers to get covered. i don’t have adequate shoes for this weather. i also wonder how will i drive the car to pick mother at her work. i am drinking an delicious cup of brazilian coffee.

the weather changed. time to move this painting.

já fui reverente, agora sou só paciente

mafalda

23h31 finished watching kitano’s achilles and the tortoise movie. it has been almost 10 years that i’ve watched and it got me in a complete different way. the quest for an ideal art. trying and trying. market. relationships. not realizing what matters — be it in the work or in contact with others/life. how to cope with the romanticized vision of the artist? because clearly this is something i think about. how not to miss what really matters? clarity of being — and of language.

to find create a working method.

one inspires the other and that’s life. it gives meaning.

### context context context ###

14.xii.2021

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a few days ago, for the first time in my life, i chopped wood for fire. what a pleasurable action. we are stocking it for the next days, which are getting colder and colder. phone over 1h30 with a. afterwards, went to etna.

  • (d) Francisco Brennand – doc – 2012
    • não conhecia muito do artista. deu vontade de visitar seu espaço e mergulhar mais a fundo em seu universo. bom ver o peso que a pintura teve em sua vida. no filme, ele volta e meia fala sobre a pintura parecer/fugir do realismo… o peso da figuração, principalmente da forma feminina. gostei do brennand falando sobre a matéria das esculturas, dar-se a entender pelo som que ela emite se merece ou não viver. em outro momento ele diz mostra uma argila que está no seu ateliê há anos. a fornalha com nome de prometeu, simplesmente genial. urubu. peixe. mulher. pintura. letra da assinatura. o tempo, a vida. o registro de um diário.
  • (tv) Ride the Tiger – PBS – 2016
    • most advanced studies of the brain and its disfunctions. how can we deal with this machine?

11.xii.2021

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08h12

i heard about assertiveness for the first time in a nvc course some years ago. then i did another course and got deeper into it. yesterday i did a test and it showed what i already knew: my assertiveness is very low. so what to do? read a book about it. just started the assertiveness workbook, by randy j. peterson.

[why do i feel quasi-ashamed to write it here? because it might fit the “self-help” section of books? oh, my prejudices. in any case, isn’t all books self-help? all philosophy and literature included. two of the prejudices, at least mine, is truly against digested thoughts and the motivation of the work — when we can see we think we know the creator’s motivation is money or recognition.]

back to the book. it seems really helpful to understand about the possibilities that an assertive communication can bring. in this perspective, what are the other options? passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. i would rather learn a better, most respectful way to myself and others than to let my ignorance and automatism prevail.

i never officially did, but it seems that writing is starting to be a kind of therapy. anyways, i will start as soon i go back home.

night: while mother and i were watching the movie mr jones, we’ve heard dana screaming. she was excited because it was snowing. the first snow of the year gives us so much pleasure and hapiness.

10.xii.2021

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07h55

o que eu sei // o que eu sinto
what do i know // what do i feel
what do i know // how do i feel

socrates dialogue about bed (painting and reality 6.3, etienne gilson)

finally the sky is clear and i can see the sunrise. delight.

16h54

bike ride this afternoon. went to the library for the first time here in yreka. had some interesting books, not too many in the art section. it had a huge catalogue of ben shahn, american artist that i’ve wanted to know more… also i did some drawing based on prints from a siskiyou county’s history book. most of the info was around the 1850~90’s. lots of portuguese and even brazilian heritage in this region. who would’ve known?!

also went to the new cafe+book shop here in town. coudn’t resist and bought a book: octavio paz’s the other voice. essays about modern poetry. to deal with my problem with books — problem because it is an addiction — i will start writing about the books i’m buying. hopefully it will get things a bit more controlled. if i had the money, i would buy with no hard feeling. but i haven’t, so i shouldn’t.

it feels good to do exercise. it’s getting colder and colder…

noite: mãe apareceu aqui de surpresa. fizemos uma ligação com amanda. foi das melhores ligações da vida. falamos sobre amor, conexões, histórias e planejamentos.

08.xii.2021

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16h27

went to mount shasta this morning. it has been foggy for a few days, but i took the chance to go up the mountain. i got lucky and sometimes the sky got clear. because of the cold, i did some drawings inside the car. it was pleasurable.

yesterday i spoke with grandma and finally she named the chicken that was hers to name it: ladybug (joaninha!) such a perfect name!

07.xii.2021

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07h16 read camus’ essay create dangerously. short but powerful read.

  • “Then, every once in a while, a new world appears, different from the everyday world and yet the same, particular but universal, full of innocent insecurity—called forth for a few hours by the power and longing of genius”
  • “This is why the artist, at the end of his slow advance, absolves instead of condemning. Instead of being a judge, he is a justifier”
  • “The free artist is the one who, with great effort, creates his own order”

yesterday i got some books in the mail. the most incredible is manoel de barros’s compilation in english. i am amazed! just to see that someone tried what seemed an impossible task — to translate manoel! him and fernando pessoa, with all my limitations, makes me love the portuguese language.

  • luc tuymans & wilhelm sasnal in conversation

05.xii.2021

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23h34

lazy sunday. at least in the atelier. walk in park with mother. christmas lights around the house. cellphone fell while i was trying to make a photograph of a beautiful buck. i won’t look for a solution right now. i feel this as an omen: stop wasting time and go to work.

i was already in bed a while a go and couldn’t resist going to sleep without making anything today. got up and did some drawings.

i now know why i create. to exist.

04.xii.2021

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05h19 i know i’m waking up really early, so i go to bed also really early. like 21h30. not completely 8 hours, but i try!

a random thought passed through my mind and i searched about how jeff bridges is doing — i knew that he is going through a healing cancer process — and today is his birthday. nice coincidence. he is getting through it, it seems he is doing healthy and fine.

#############

eu não sei, mas tô querendo saber
para depois poder dizer
agora sim
sei que não sei.

(mais que saber, desejo mesmo é a prática do fazer)

############

afternoon: kirk’s birthday. six years old!

23h14 desenhos noturnos. acabei de reencontrar textos de um blog de 2008~10. consigo ver com maior distanciamento e analisar sem tanta identificação pessoal. de início já fica claro a má qualidade, principalmente da forma da escrita. porém serviu como encontro. saio meio chocado, pasmo.